kurt was someone that meant alot to me
it still hurts me so much,
i was going thru pure hell as a teenager with undiagnosed and ignored
mental illness as well as in a violent abusive home and violent school
when nirvana hit the airwaves…it was one of the ONLY things that helped
me…
when i heard the news he left…i remember it like it was
yesterday…the radio dj said it over the radio…i was in my old bedroom…i
was standing near the closet…and when i heard i remember turning around
and staring at the radio…
i had to go to a neighbors apartment to see if i can catch a glimpse of mtv….then they confirmed it…
i went back to my bedroom and just CRIED….just cried and yelled….
i picked up a sewing needle and i started stabbing myself with it….
it
took me a while till i looked down and realized i make “k” all over my
leg in dots and long slits all in different positions….upside down, all
over my thigh….
its difficult for me to re-live that kind of heartache
i
remember once i was just too tired to keep going, i picked up a pencil
and a book and i wrote out a long poem…i let it just pour out of me…..it
was like 4 pages
and i buried the book at the bottom of a chest in my closet
when everyone went to converge to his home in seattle i wanted to go but i couldnt find a way to get there
it hurt watching it on tv
i saw some girl that carved “Cobain” with a kitchen knife on her arm
that was my first time buying a razorblade
i went home and carved the same thing….it didnt go very deep so its not very noticeable today…but i plan on re-carving it
at
my weakest of moments…the years that ive spent in psychiatric
homes…going through endless amounts of medication combinations, trying
to endure the painful lure of suicide….
at those times i think of Nirvana
i play Nirvana when I am weak…. because the music speaks so my soul…
from
the very second i heard it back in the late 80’s it soothed my heart,
built my inspiration, calmed the hurt, pained rage within me
and leading that was Kurts voice.
ive been fortunate to have been born with a slight psychic gift
a gift thats hard to describe
but i was fortunate enough to make contact with Kurt one night
a night that was a blessing after a day of emotional turmoil
a day of wondering if my life was worth living…
whereupon in my deepest of hurt, Kurt said nothing
but he played the guitar
it was not on earth
it was in a place i dont even know
he
played a melody so deep, so beautiful…there are no words for what i
heard….he looked at me and without even words….it was as if he let me
know that he knew the pain i was in and that he would play me something
that would help…
there are ABSOLUTELY no words that i can use that
would accurately describe what he played for me…..all i can say is
that…it was beyond music
call me crazy, but this is how I know that Kurt’s spirit is well and active and flowing free
last night i was given another gift of seeing Kurt
(this Godly gift ive been given comes mainly when i sleep)
he was looking well…happy…and had a youthful lovely glow about him
he was walking around with children, handing them lollipops
he looked at me….he acknowledged me without words
words aren’t needed in this otherworldly place…
it wasnt until i woke up that i realized why he chose to reveal himself again
i hadnt remembered april 5th…i had put it out of my mind
im
not sure why it was chosen to remind me…perhaps to remember his
legacy….to remember my own desire to inspire, help and heal others as
Kurt unknowingly did for so many?
perhaps….
all I know is that today i cannot help but feel feelings equally mixed…that of
sadness
as well as happiness
as well as inspiration
Kurt I love you,
I know you see your fans
I know you feel their love
I know you are free from the Earthly pain you felt
but we cannot help our sadness, our selfishness, in wanting you back on Earth with us
but if your brief time on Earth was all we were meant to have
I still Thank You for it
and I look forward to our spirits meeting one day
i hope i can do you proud with my own music
Love, Rix
\m/
Dearest Kurt,
We miss you so much....your fans have never and will NEVER forget you
you've given us so much; your art soothed our souls, spoke what we could not say, breathed inspiration into our hearts
I love you
i know you are in Heavenly Paradise making music beyond epicness....
we all can't wait to see you again and hear your beautiful voice
today we mourn the day of your passing
with love ❤❤❤❤❤❤
\m/
love, Rix
