Thursday, February 20, 2014


You are NEVER forgotten
and rescued our hearts through music♥


Saturday, February 15, 2014


I'm revamping my blog

Its UBER important; being that I've recently had to deal with impersonators

I have quite the work to do

So I'm gonna grind away

Stay tuned...


Wednesday, February 5, 2014

New Yuck Snowy >_<

Today NYC is an icy frozen slippery MESS! >_<

every gutter is filled with massive freezing slushy puddles

Every street is covered either in sheets of ice or waist-high piles of snow >:-(

Every step I had to either climb in mountains of snow
or brace myself as I slid around like a berzerko penguin *uugh*

To make it worse a passing bus was kind enough to SOAK me in freezing brown sludge water
And a chunk of ice felt it was its duty to plummet off a high window and pummel me on the shoulder >_<

And my snow boots? Fully soaked inside and out...toes nicely BURNING cold from soaked socks. .........

>>end of rant<<

At least sum nice pics came out of today.... (as you can see: the kids out today were enjoying it to the fullest ^_^ )

Friday, April 5, 2013

Sweet Kurt

kurt was someone that meant alot to me

it still hurts me so much, i was going thru pure hell as a teenager with undiagnosed and ignored mental illness as well as in a violent abusive home and violent school when nirvana hit the airwaves…it was one of the ONLY things that helped me…
when i heard the news he left…i remember it like it was yesterday…the radio dj said it over the radio…i was in my old bedroom…i was standing near the closet…and when i heard i remember turning around and staring at the radio…
i had to go to a neighbors apartment to see if i can catch a glimpse of mtv….then they confirmed it…
i went back to my bedroom and just CRIED….just cried and yelled….
i picked up a sewing needle and i started stabbing myself with it….

it took me a while till i looked down and realized i make “k” all over my leg in dots and long slits all in different positions….upside down, all over my thigh….
its difficult for me to re-live that kind of heartache
i remember once i was just too tired to keep going, i picked up a pencil and a book and i wrote out a long poem…i let it just pour out of me… was like 4 pages
and i buried the book at the bottom of a chest in my closet
when everyone went to converge to his home in seattle i wanted to go but i couldnt find a way to get there
it hurt watching it on tv
i saw some girl that carved “Cobain” with a kitchen knife on her arm
that was my first time buying a razorblade
i went home and carved the same thing….it didnt go very deep so its not very noticeable today…but i plan on re-carving it

at my weakest of moments…the years that ive spent in psychiatric homes…going through endless amounts of medication combinations, trying to endure the painful lure of suicide….
at those times i think of Nirvana
i play Nirvana when I am weak…. because the music speaks so my soul…
from the very second i heard it back in the late 80’s it soothed my heart, built my inspiration, calmed the hurt, pained rage within me

and leading that was Kurts voice.

ive been fortunate to have been born with a slight psychic gift
a gift thats hard to describe
but i was fortunate enough to make contact with Kurt one night
a night that was a blessing after a day of emotional turmoil
a day of wondering if my life was worth living…

whereupon in my deepest of hurt, Kurt said nothing
but he played the guitar
it was not on earth
it was in a place i dont even know
he played a melody so deep, so beautiful…there are no words for what i heard….he looked at me and without even words….it was as if he let me know that he knew the pain i was in and that he would play me something that would help…
there are ABSOLUTELY no words that i can use that would accurately describe what he played for me…..all i can say is that…it was beyond music

call me crazy, but this is how I know that Kurt’s spirit is well and active and flowing free

last night i was given another gift of seeing Kurt
(this Godly gift ive been given comes mainly when i sleep)
he was looking well…happy…and had a youthful lovely glow about him

he was walking around with children, handing them lollipops
he looked at me….he acknowledged me without words
words aren’t needed in this otherworldly place…

it wasnt until i woke up that i realized why he chose to reveal himself again
i hadnt remembered april 5th…i had put it out of my mind

im not sure why it was chosen to remind me…perhaps to remember his legacy….to remember my own desire to inspire, help and heal others as Kurt unknowingly did for so many?


all I know is that today i cannot help but feel feelings equally mixed…that of
as well as happiness
as well as inspiration

Kurt I love you,
I know you see your fans
I know you feel their love
I know you are free from the Earthly pain you felt
but we cannot help our sadness, our selfishness, in wanting you back on Earth with us

but if your brief time on Earth was all we were meant to have
I still Thank You for it

and I look forward to our spirits meeting one day

i hope i can do you proud with my own music

Love, Rix


Dearest Kurt,
We miss you so much....your fans have never and will NEVER forget you
you've given us so much; your art soothed our souls, spoke what we could not say, breathed inspiration into our hearts
I love you
i know you are in Heavenly Paradise making music beyond epicness....
we all can't wait to see you again and hear your beautiful voice
today we mourn the day of your passing
with love ❤❤❤❤❤❤


love, Rix

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Suicide is NOT the answer

today....something dreadful happened
as i was happily walking out from under my apartment building;

someone had jumped from the roof of my building

33 stories high

Something dark, something large, something twitchy and flailing came down from above, only 6 feet in front of me

The sound of the low yet LOUD "THUD" is seared into my memory 
Along with the odd crack like a breaking tree branch
and squirt of red
Like exploding paint
As this unknown thing and it's unknown limbs were severed by a hanging chain lining the walkway

Pieces of the ground came up in indistinguishable brown and black 

They hit my face, arms and body with sharp stings

I was motionless 

Like I was in a dream; things suddenly came clear

There was a body
Embarrassingly I must admit my EMS skills had to be forcibly awoken
Suddenly I was awake
A body! A fall! Get your ass moving! A man is laying there!

On his bottom he was in what looked like pajamas; navy blue...he wore no socks or shoes...his shattered glasses had come off and 

were laying next to him.....

But.....he wore something I will NEVER forget 
My brothers green shirt 

He wears it all the time

My brother is a Marine 
Back from Iraq only less than a year

The shirt I've seen many a Marine wear

the sight was ghastly and is burned into my memory....ankles 

exploded and detached over a chain and post; fully exposing bright red blood; bones and twisted away from the body in ways no ankle should ever be

....contorted body bent into horrific position...giant sliced opening 

in the back of the head with brain matter spilling out....mashed 
contorted face almost like some one sleeping through a horrid nightmare...lips turned blackened and oozing foam and thick gobs of blood and saliva...

lifeless hands curled under
he looked almost like a teen when i looked at him closely

I ran
Straight to his lifeless body
No squad behind me

No scene safety or BSI
my hands went strait for his neck
There MUST be vitals
I will accept nothing less

And then the world became mystifying 

I felt a warmth.....then as though someone pulled a silken cloth from my was cold....cold...
A cold like I'd never known

I tried all my techniques:
"Hey honey look at me!"
"Can you say something sweetheart?"
"My name is Rix, can you tell me your name, I'm here to help, I'm a medic"


I felt a strong arm PULL me and the familiar crackle of the police radios

"NYPD" it said....."it's done sweetie, come back here"
"EMS!" I proclaimed indignantly 
"C'mon hun"
And he put a firm hold around my shoulders and flashed the badge

I was being lead away when I stopped, looked back and all I could see was that shirt...
"Marine Corps?" I said in a strange tone unlike me, like a confused child

I was pulled far down the walkway.

it was around the time the high schoolers go to an area where many people sit on benches and converse....

it looked like as though he'd just gotten out of bed?

he looked like a beautiful human being

the police and ambulances came quick and secured the scene and covered him....

i couldnt help but start to cry as i was being questioned...
i feel ashamed to have cried
i have NEVER cried at the scene of an accident

i have ALWAYS been a calm, controlled EMT

but different.....i cant explain

it was as if he wanted to fall someplace where everyone would see if he wanted people to feel his pain? perhaps...

i certainly do

right now im trying to keep myself friends have been calling with their older brother took me home arm in arm

my body is shaky, tingly, yet somehow numb....

my mind is twisted in a thousand knots

everyone keeps saying there was nothing i could have done

but the scene keeps replaying in my mind.....

could i have done more?.....could I have done more? could I have done more? mind keeps saying

i know the feeling of wanting to die
i have had a ROUGH life and even considered jumping from a building also (back when i was sickly and with emotional issues)

but now i definitely can see that it's something that causes a ripple effect.....
someone may see suicide as a way out.....but without understanding the hurt it will cause
to their loved ones
to people that witness it
to people that work to care for your body

to MANY people

suicide is NOT the will only make things worse.....stay alive....

i am going to repost these important numbers

and know...that if you read this...if you need to talk....if ANYTHING is making you doubt your can reach out to me...and i WILL answer....i WILL help

but you MUST stay alive
things will get better if you get help! trust me i have lived what i talk about

i am going to post important numbers


and know…that if you read this…if you need to talk….if ANYTHING is making you doubt your life….you can reach out to me…and i WILL answer….i WILL help

but you MUST stay alive


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 800-273-TALK (8255), TTY line: 800-799-4889

NYC Samaritans Suicide Prevention Hotline - (212) 673-3000
LIFENET - (800) 543-3638, Spanish:  (877) 298-3373, Asian:  (877) 990-8585, TTY:  (212) 982-5284

VETERANS Health Care: 1-877-222-VETS (8387)

Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 Press 1


Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743
Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253
Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453
UK Helplines:
Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail
Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111
Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail:
Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463
b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail:
b-eat youthline (for under 25's with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)
Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail:
Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600
Drinkline: 0800 9178282
Rape Crisis England &amp; Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail
Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

luv, Rix


Sunday, March 3, 2013

'57 Chevy

I'd like to introduce you to my dream car
Turquoise 1957 Chevy Bel Air  with white wall tires


it all started back in 1988.....Mattel & Barbie came out with this:

i got it for Christmas 1989 at the tender age of 9yrs old
it was the most beautiful thing i laid eyes on.....i played with it EVERY day


even as i grew up....i would NOT part with it

it was this fantastical idea of the 1950's
a colorsplashed world of color; chock full of greasers, coiffed hair and flowing fashionable ensembles that I had never lived through

I knew that one day...ONE day i would somehow get ahold of this car FOR REALZ!
it had to be the EXACT same color
with the EXACT same color of interior

and it MUST be a convertible

perhaps i, like many others, lived thru barbie?


i improperly stored the car in my mothers apartment as I went about my worldly buisiness
the car became dusty and home for insects
some pieces had gone missing also
rear view mirrors, antennae and such....

i gave it a proper bath...carefully; and left it to sit and be beautiful on my mothers terrace.

I went about my life making one mistake
forgetting the beloved car (◕︵◕)

it sat for nearly a year....thru rain, sun, wind, snow....

one day I came back for was gone

my mother unfortunately told me the news that it had succumbed to the weather....and that the fragile old plastic had literally crumbled at her fingertips when touching it

i was pretty sad to say the least

not only am i QUITE nostalgic (i still own my easy bake oven from the early 80's)
but this was something beautiful...something priceless

so it is my goal
to get my barbie car BACK
(ebay....& such)

in addition..........

i shall have the REAL thing!


Monday, September 3, 2012

Farewell brother....RIP Michael Clarke Duncan

i am saddened
with all the deaths this year; this one STINGS quite harshly
this was a dedicated, talented, young, caring actor i WHOLE family admired
i am holding back the tears
i will leave this in the hands of God

i made this for him....
i hope he can see it in Heaven ˘︵˘